I am but a cautionary tale..

Mother prayed for four years to get me into this world, to be a part of this human race 

My father said he never lost faith, he knew one day he’d see my face,
To a room full of anxious eyes and gleaming smiles I emerged screaming
Chad, they proudly named me after grandfather who was no longer among the living.
 We lived in the upper east town in a red brick house with a white picket fence
 With a backyard full of red roses and a big dog house for our poodle Glen,
Through the teething and crawling and trucks of nappies I turned a few years older
I’d take my five year old self cycling alone, I was a boy I needed to always be bold,
But I never knew you watched me closely secretly through your windows, if only I was told.
I still remember the first time we met, how casually you tossed around my hair and left
As the days went by you started to linger more, your gaze perpetually affixed on me,
I should have listened to the little voice inside, should have acknowledged how strange I felt.
As summer arrived, so did your treats of soda pops, ice creams and swings in your backyard
Soon you started to invite me to your home and snuggle’s on the couch turned into regular gestures
But what you unleashed later left my soul with a wound that only festers ,
You told me our friendship was special, it was a secret to be shared with no one
You said I needed to show you my loyalty, to prove I was a true friend not just a buddy on rent
Oddly enough I wanted to please you and I still blame my confused young self for what underwent.
You befriended my parents and took to babysitting me, each afternoon I spent submerged in your sexual rants
Sugar-pie is what you called me every time you slid your fingers down my pants
But whenever I tried to break free my body kept betraying me.
I begged mother and father to not go to work, but into your hands they submitted me
As they waved goodbye “Man up” is what daddy would say, crying was not the way to be.
If only they would have seen the fear within, If only they would have sensed the things amiss
If only I could’ve told them the horror, if only I knew they would have believed.
You violated and polluted every part of me
You shoved yourself inside of me, penetrated me with objects and watched me bleed
Harder, faster, deeper is all that your deranged mind could read,
I was too scared to make you stop, too scared to run away
Too vulnerable to take a stand, too young to find another way.
What madness engulfed you? That blinded you to see I was just a little boy
You made me touch myself and watched me like I was your little toy,
Every day was a different show to fulfil all your dirty desires
Duck tapes, whips, iron rods, and barb wires.
I had to lick and stimulate and turn my mouth into a drain for all your cum
You lusted for my innocence to break free from your humdrum,
As slyly you had arrived equally swiftly you departed
For days I could not fathom that my nightmare had finally parted.
What I soon came to realize was that the damage was lasting
Twenty years older I still am haunted, being normal is still tasking,
You have filled me with anger, shame and guilt
A broken dysfunctional Chad is what you have built.
I still hold on to my five year old self, we are still to leave the mourning floor 
I wish I could have protected you, found you some escape door,
All I am now is but a cautionary tale
For you have murdered the man that I could have been.

The Tanjore temple girl

 I tried to sleep for a few hours

But the thunder kept striking

Keeping me awake

Who was I to run for cover?

My safety net was far away.

Fearful and all alone

I perched my body against the forth pillar in the temple corridor

I reminded my self of the promise that father made

I needed to guard the temple through the night and keep the thief’s at bay

Then he said he would come fetch me at the break of day.

Father did come as soon dawn showed her face

His temple work often kept him away.

We rode back home to our family of eight

Six sibling’s mother, father and I included.

That day was rather gloomy and grim

Unlike all the sunny days that marched consistently into the village’s way,

I felt uneasy and glum

It seemed unfair to feel happy

On a day that seemed so dark and grey.

Father said he wanted all of us together that day

He sat next to me and asked me what I wanted to be?

And as he stirred honey into my milk

I saw him fall and the rhythm of his heart became still.

Uproar of cries jolted my inertia

And as everyone ran from room to room

From my eyes tears started to loom

In the chaos that surrounded my body

My mind seemed unaffected and silent.

The neighbours broke out howling into the streets

At news of the death of their temple’s priest

Mother knew not how to function anymore

She had no job no money no home

But seven mouths to feed nurture and grow.

There were decisions to be made

And habits to wash off

Helping hands were none just more shut doors than open ones,

Elder sister had to jump into action

Change our life’s for the better now was the initial caption,

But how and when we lost our way

I seemed too young to point out and say.

I was handed over to the preachers of god

Mother said this was the best she could do for now

I lived there with a hundred others, some abandoned like me without their choice

Some rescued from plights unaware of a thing called life.

I cried each day till months went by

Women in white robes tried to calm my fears

All I wanted was my mothers lap and my sibling’s cheer

I wrote each night, long letters back home

I hated the uncooked rice and watery curry

Everything smelled of rotten fish and I was sick with fury,

No one cared how I was or what I did

I did not eat for days and turned as thin as a stick.

Summer arrived and no one came to fetch me

I remained with the nuns and they asked me to carry bricks

To help build their new nursery

I wrote to you that my head hurts

And no one bothers to say a kind word.

Vacations have ended and everyone is back

They got sweets and biscuits and toys and clothes

But no one seemed keen to share

I went and cried in the closet again

Mother Sister Brother some one just come and show me your face.

Each part of my body itches

They have locked me in a room alone

I can not be near another soul,

They say am contagious I have blisters all over my body

From head to toe.

They slide milk and bread through the door treating me like a person in prison

The only ray of hope came in the form of my mathematics teacher

Mrs usha carrippa who loved me without any reason.

She gave me food and healed my blisters

Got me medicines and spoke with me about my brothers and sisters

She cared for me like you would have

Her smile reminded me of father’s

She had the same warmth in her eyes.

One day she helped me get to you

She brought me train tickets so that I could visit you

I did not know where you all had moved

I had no address just the name of the village I knew,

I reached the village yet I felt lost and confused

I went straight to the biggest temple and hoped mother you would come soon

I saw you walk by wearing the saffron sari, I ran and hugged you

As you stood there in fear and silence

You held me tight and questioned my arrival

You warned me never to come back again!

For you lived in slums, no more mansions and carriages driven by bulls.

You said you did not come to fetch me

For you did not want me to be a part of this scum

You lived among drunkards and lowlifes

Not a place where a fifteen year old girl could survive,

Yet I remained stubborn and firm 

You let me stay for a term.

I once again felt like a part of me was alive again

All my brothers and sisters came to visit

I felt like the six year old

Just that now we were in a one room shelter

That was the only twist.

You made me understand why I needed to go back

I had to finish my education, I had to goon

This ordeal you said will come to an end soon

I needed to will on and forge through.

And as I said goodbye to you once again

I realized how cruel life has been to us

She stole from me not just my family but also my childhood,

Sometimes happy memories aren’t enough

They seem insufficient to pull you through the disappointments and heartaches

I was too little to even have enough of them to hold on to

Fate gave us a momentary chance at happiness

And now she bestows on us a lifetime of debt.

I pray mother that soon we shall be united again

That a better life awaits us

Far away from all this gloom

A few more steps mother

I promise to walk with you. 

ODE TO MISHA

I followed your blue foot prints

Counting each one through the dim alley ways

I’d say fate played a game but then again I was just a fool.

I saw you in that little army of a hundred

Not knowing I was to join you soon,

Twenty hours with machines, corrupted fare

No time to dream, no one would care.

I told you my daddy will soon come fetch me

You told me to give up hope, for my daddy would have forgotten me.

You were right and yet again I was just a fool.

Still a man did come he said he would save me,

You introduced me to the truth, being someone’s slave wasn’t salvation.

Your one rupee got me a ticket out of hell

But it made you rot there for how long I could never tell,

You said you will come find me, I said under the purple tree I shall wait each day.

You promised you won’t repeat my daddy’s mistakes

That one day in the city we shall live where a thousand lights, would be ours for takes.

I walked into the thousand lights, baffled, young and alone,

I waited for the city to take care of me

It soon taught me happy endings were far away.

A man came again, soon another, then another and so on

No one brought love, just a purpose

I fulfilled hence I lived.

I did not let life pull my hope away, but then again I was just a fool

I waited each day I knew fate would have its way

I knew you would get out

I knew after all we went through

Happiness waited for us.

Sixteen years had gone by since we were nine

Keeping a grip on unfulfilled promises was getting hard,

I waited under the purple tree for you one last time

What I saw, I believed to be untrue

But then I always did trust you would come.

I was making my way, to come embrace

But the wide eyed girl held your hand and pulled you away

I had not known a pain so vile.

I told myself it was time to forget, you were no longer to play my safety net.

It took ten more years for life to finally let us meet

I saw the wide eyed girl still held your arm

The only difference was someone held mine too.

You told you saw me that day, chased me while I ran away

You confessed the girl holding your arm was not your wife then

That had I not been afraid, we would have been together again.

I did not know weather to laugh or cry

Fate, her games, she loved dearly we both realized,

In a twisted life of knowing only misery

My only solace was you

Your only solace was I.

I had heard people say we are broken to reach something better

We struggle today coz we know tomorrow would be brighter

But fate put us through all this without a reason,

Our prayers she completely dismissed.

Was our life not worth a second chance?

Were our tears not worthy of fates glance? 

And then we our taught to have faith

But where did faith leave us but broken, bitter and apart?

The Fence

The songs that once left me confused and dazed
Make me sad now and leave me ablaze
They lead me to ponder,
Is it of her they make you wonder?
Will I be haunted by an alphabet every day?
Will her very initials drive me insane?
I feel an eruption of mammoth aversion
When you back track and smack
She pops up like the clown in my music box, psycho jack on crack.
Will I have to sacrifice the colour I like?
Because it was one of the colours she liked, and her I despise.
Will I have to omit, all emotions and guilt?
Because stabbing in sleep seems like my recent pleasure trip.
Can I no longer utter the names of the streets where she fluttered?
Will I have to converse in terms of longitudinal grid
So you don’t recall the address of the last house she lived.
Will my future travels be all only by foot?
Because the most efficient mode, along with my favourite colour she took.
Will she eat up our present like she ate up your past?
I wish indigestion upon her, maybe this momentary inconvenience
Would give us time to run fast, run past her, across that giant, that giant whom I call the fence.
The world advices I take three steps back and chill
But I worry my regression and stagnation
She would consider an open invitation.
To pounce back and drag, drag you to hell
I hope the bells in your head ring sounds of wisdom
Because the present with me seems mighty swell
And reverting now I say would be rather dumb.
She can use six different portals of communication
To get in touch with you
She will hope you will stick to her, like the old times, like super glue.
She will entice as if she were Lucifer’s wife
With gifts galore, promises and more
She is the constant ringing in a lunatic’s brain
A reverberation that is turning into a pain.
You said she left scars, scars too deep
Time heals it all, that’s what I believe
You need to have faith, just take my hand and leap.
I am in it for the long haul, this time I wont let you weep.

Away

Ever changing days and never changing nights
Haunting nights that bring me the same dream,
Where the past ends and the unknown begins
In the blue miasma I seem to be in.
I am afraid to move forward
Towards the bright light that beckons
I still feel hinged to the memories I helped create
I still feel buried six feet under the earth.
I try to move around you
Through kisses in the air, whispers in creeks,
Love in the rain, caresses in the sun rays
I want to hold on but I just fall thru.
Each night I wish sleep wouldn’t come calling
Each night I wish I wasn’t presented the encore
But it would never stop, the dreams reminded me
My soul lived in my body no more.
The man with the greedy eyes
Had dragged the last breath out of me
Two months ago
The man with an unlikely urge
Had scattered my bones
Where it could never show.
In the in-between I still remained entrapped
Merging the two worlds I had come to know
Every now and then
I would find my way towards the light again
But I am free, only almost.
Liberation seems a catch away
For me to enter the kingdom
I need to let go of the world I once belonged to
I need to move on and let it do the same
I can not contain my soul in the horizon.
To where the ocean and the sun merge
I must bid goodbye
For the land of a thousand angles await
Across the ivory river
Far away, where no memory exist.

Magic man

Magic man she cried out
She wondered if he could help her
Was there a rope of luck she could hang on to?
Cause the laws of survival were becoming hard to beat.
Magic man she cried
Your vanishing acts aren’t amusing anymore
Are there spells you could chant?
To transport her to the utopian land
Could you grant her wishes?
Like the jinn she read in stories about
Could you fill her palms with silver coins now?
Magic man she wept
She needed miracles to help her get through life
The roof over her head she could afford no more
Her husband brought home not enough bread to feed
Her job she lost eight months ago
Opportunities to start over seem bleaker as the days go
She has a child she loves more than her soul
She wants to give her a life better than she had for her own
She had spent her childhood fatherless and alone
Starving and fearful in the care of preachers of god
She made it through all the struggles and tribulations
She thought that was the end of heartaches
But seems like everywhere she turns
Misery follows.
Magic man she bawled
She needed an act of compassion
She was ready to fight the demons that stood in the way
She just needed you to stand beside her
Could you sprinkle fairy dust?
And turn this all into a dream
Could she not stand on the streets tomorrow?
While her child hides behind her
And her husband too proud to beg cries silently in the corner
Could you wave your magic wand?
And save a family from being wrecked
Is there a potion she could drink?
And change the future
Is there anyway you could help her?
Each minute is turning into a brutal torture
Magic man oh magic man
She is running out of tears
She is loosing her voice
Magic man oh magic man
Could you help her just this one time?

In this life

The scars on your palms
Merge perfectly with mine
Embodying the past, the journey till now
You liked to see life running out of you
It assured you of your existence
I preferred to cease it
It assured me of my liberation
Somewhere between my secrets and your acceptance
Between my unsettled pain, and your pinned in despair
Between our search for a better life
We found each other.
To overcome, conquer, defeat and win
Were acts we seemed to powerless to perform
The past seemed to have caged us in an unbreakable spell
In each other we found the strength


In each other we found the reason to move on
He killed himself you told me once
The man who would have walked you down the aisle to me
She went crazy you said
The one who should have taken care of you
She made you cut yourself
In between our kiss I withdrew and cried
I trembled as thoughts of him flashed through my mind
He told me to always keep it a secret
The nights he barged into my room
The nights that seemed like a lifetime
He was the one who was suppose to protect me
He made me run away, he made me take my life away.
Hopeless, hateful and hardened
We embarked on an unknown path
The end of which brought me peace
It brought us together.
I never knew all I needed was one person
That’s just what we all need, one person
To hear, comfort and feel
To touch, see and shield
To help, nurture and heal
The amalgamation of our struggles
Binds us in heart, body and soul
Waging through destruction
In each others arms
We are saved.