Mother prayed for four years to get me into this world, to be a part of this human race
My father said he never lost faith, he knew one day he’d see my face,
To a room full of anxious eyes and gleaming smiles I emerged screaming
Chad, they proudly named me after grandfather who was no longer among the living.
We lived in the upper east town in a red brick house with a white picket fence
With a backyard full of red roses and a big dog house for our poodle Glen,
Through the teething and crawling and trucks of nappies I turned a few years older
I’d take my five year old self cycling alone, I was a boy I needed to always be bold,
But I never knew you watched me closely secretly through your windows, if only I was told.
I still remember the first time we met, how casually you tossed around my hair and left
As the days went by you started to linger more, your gaze perpetually affixed on me,
I should have listened to the little voice inside, should have acknowledged how strange I felt.
As summer arrived, so did your treats of soda pops, ice creams and swings in your backyard
Soon you started to invite me to your home and snuggle’s on the couch turned into regular gestures
But what you unleashed later left my soul with a wound that only festers ,
You told me our friendship was special, it was a secret to be shared with no one
You said I needed to show you my loyalty, to prove I was a true friend not just a buddy on rent
Oddly enough I wanted to please you and I still blame my confused young self for what underwent.
You befriended my parents and took to babysitting me, each afternoon I spent submerged in your sexual rants
Sugar-pie is what you called me every time you slid your fingers down my pants
But whenever I tried to break free my body kept betraying me.
I begged mother and father to not go to work, but into your hands they submitted me
As they waved goodbye “Man up” is what daddy would say, crying was not the way to be.
If only they would have seen the fear within, If only they would have sensed the things amiss
If only I could’ve told them the horror, if only I knew they would have believed.
You violated and polluted every part of me
You shoved yourself inside of me, penetrated me with objects and watched me bleed
Harder, faster, deeper is all that your deranged mind could read,
I was too scared to make you stop, too scared to run away
Too vulnerable to take a stand, too young to find another way.
What madness engulfed you? That blinded you to see I was just a little boy
You made me touch myself and watched me like I was your little toy,
Every day was a different show to fulfil all your dirty desires
Duck tapes, whips, iron rods, and barb wires.
I had to lick and stimulate and turn my mouth into a drain for all your cum
You lusted for my innocence to break free from your humdrum,
As slyly you had arrived equally swiftly you departed
For days I could not fathom that my nightmare had finally parted.
What I soon came to realize was that the damage was lasting
Twenty years older I still am haunted, being normal is still tasking,
You have filled me with anger, shame and guilt
A broken dysfunctional Chad is what you have built.
I still hold on to my five year old self, we are still to leave the mourning floor
I wish I could have protected you, found you some escape door,
All I am now is but a cautionary tale
For you have murdered the man that I could have been.
To a room full of anxious eyes and gleaming smiles I emerged screaming
Chad, they proudly named me after grandfather who was no longer among the living.
We lived in the upper east town in a red brick house with a white picket fence
With a backyard full of red roses and a big dog house for our poodle Glen,
Through the teething and crawling and trucks of nappies I turned a few years older
I’d take my five year old self cycling alone, I was a boy I needed to always be bold,
But I never knew you watched me closely secretly through your windows, if only I was told.
I still remember the first time we met, how casually you tossed around my hair and left
As the days went by you started to linger more, your gaze perpetually affixed on me,
I should have listened to the little voice inside, should have acknowledged how strange I felt.
As summer arrived, so did your treats of soda pops, ice creams and swings in your backyard
Soon you started to invite me to your home and snuggle’s on the couch turned into regular gestures
But what you unleashed later left my soul with a wound that only festers ,
You told me our friendship was special, it was a secret to be shared with no one
You said I needed to show you my loyalty, to prove I was a true friend not just a buddy on rent
Oddly enough I wanted to please you and I still blame my confused young self for what underwent.
You befriended my parents and took to babysitting me, each afternoon I spent submerged in your sexual rants
Sugar-pie is what you called me every time you slid your fingers down my pants
But whenever I tried to break free my body kept betraying me.
I begged mother and father to not go to work, but into your hands they submitted me
As they waved goodbye “Man up” is what daddy would say, crying was not the way to be.
If only they would have seen the fear within, If only they would have sensed the things amiss
If only I could’ve told them the horror, if only I knew they would have believed.
You violated and polluted every part of me
You shoved yourself inside of me, penetrated me with objects and watched me bleed
Harder, faster, deeper is all that your deranged mind could read,
I was too scared to make you stop, too scared to run away
Too vulnerable to take a stand, too young to find another way.
What madness engulfed you? That blinded you to see I was just a little boy
You made me touch myself and watched me like I was your little toy,
Every day was a different show to fulfil all your dirty desires
Duck tapes, whips, iron rods, and barb wires.
I had to lick and stimulate and turn my mouth into a drain for all your cum
You lusted for my innocence to break free from your humdrum,
As slyly you had arrived equally swiftly you departed
For days I could not fathom that my nightmare had finally parted.
What I soon came to realize was that the damage was lasting
Twenty years older I still am haunted, being normal is still tasking,
You have filled me with anger, shame and guilt
A broken dysfunctional Chad is what you have built.
I still hold on to my five year old self, we are still to leave the mourning floor
I wish I could have protected you, found you some escape door,
All I am now is but a cautionary tale
For you have murdered the man that I could have been.
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